Personal

All you do is play!

Some people have commented to me in the past couple of days that all I do is play, all I do is go in to Manchester and get drunk.

Well unless you know the backstory to my life then firstly “fuck you” and secondly “it’s none of your business, so fuck you”. Thirdly you only see a small part of my life or what I choose to let you see, so again “fuck you”

I don’t have to justify myself here as to why I just disappear and go somewhere to be around other people and yes I do consume alcohol but I don’t get wasted.

At the moment I have family issues which are really stressful so, I go away, to get away from these problems.

I refuse to go into specifics but let’s just say the issues that I’ve got are beyond my control but at the same time I am being forced to deal with them. This is causing me mental anguish and also physical heartache as I am forced to relive events in my past over and over again.

So, yes, I do just fuck off to Manchester or Leeds or Wherever else but this is because I need to be around other people other than my family and be around people who are non-judgemental and go somewhere I can just be myself.

Thank you everyone. Your love is amazing!

On the 8th of September 2020 I told all my friends, old and new, via the medium of Facebook and Youtube, that I was transgender, and I was absolutely overwhelmed by the wonderful comments and messages I have received since.

I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you everybody.

To all those who left me a comment, sent me a messenger message, text message or called me. Thank You <3

All your love and comments have overwhelmed me. All the beautiful things that have been said to me in the past 24-hours have really made me cry with happiness.

I outed myself for no other reason than I have tried to tell as many people as possible in person but I didn’t want anybody else to have to comprehend the reaction that I got from one of my old friends earlier in the week.

I bumped into him in Macclesfield earlier in the week and I could see the look of confusion, apprehension, and shock. We talked later that day and he said he was confused because he didn’t know “I dressed up”, Apprehension because he didn’t know what to say to me and shock because I looked so good and he did have to look twice because he wasn’t sure it was me.

Rather than have my friends face the awkwardness of meeting me as Mikki for the first time, I realised it was better if I just told everybody all-in one go. I would have preferred to have spoken to everybody privately but using Facebook and YouTube was the easiest way as I can’t travel around as much with this curse that is Covid! Stupid Covid!

Again, thank you. I am genuinely overwhelmed by all the comments and support that everybody has given me. The messages in Facebook and via private messenger have really been fantastic.

This has been a massive step in my life and one I haven’t taken lightly especially after years of mental anguish, depression and psychotherapy. I know some of you already thought I was mental having known me for many years but this for me is a step in the right direction and I hope you understand better after watching the little video I made or if you’ve read my Frequently Asked Questions?

Some of you have been with me on this journey so far, so you know what i’ve been going through over the past 12-months.

This is not a whim, or a fancy and you also know what issues I’ve had mentally since I had my diagnosis. Even once I’ve had a diagnosis and just actually how hard its been to deal with/comprehending and then coming to terms with this diagnosis and knowing this is who I really am.

When I went to therapy at first, I was told things would get worse before they got better. Well, I think that things did get worse, but they have definitely got so much better and I’m happier now than I have been for a most of my life.

Love you all

Mikki
XXXX

Professional Photos from Woolton Hall Photoshoot

Professional photo from Born UK photoshoot day at Woolton Hall near Speke, Liverpool. These are potos of me, Mikki Tiamo.

Selfies from Professional Photoshoot day

These are a selection of the Selfies I took at Woolton Hall on September 6th 2020.

I had my makeup done by Vic Marley.

Photos

A look inside Woolton Hall

On the 6th September I was lucyk enough to take part in a photoshoot with Born UK at Woolton Hall near Speke, Liverpool.

This was a photo shoot with professional Make up artists and Photographers and as soon as I have the pro photos i’ll post them up. Heres some of my selfies.

For those that don’t know Born UK is run by Paul Heaton and a makeup artist rom North Manchester and he holds these days occasionally for Trans people and Cross dressers so they can look amazing and be photographed in different surroundings.

Woolton hall used to be a stately home and at one time I am sure the place was amazing as despite the decay you can see the spendor of the venue with its amazing staircases, candaliers, oak panelled walls and amazing ceiling decoration. Apparently done by Robert Adam who would probably  be turning in his grave if he saw the place today. This Grade 1 listed building is in a state of disrepair as its been empty for a number of years and its been broken into, vandalised and has numerous amounts of environmental damage. So much so that its new residents are the pigeons which have come in through the holes in the broken windows and numerous holes in the roof.

I have put a youtube video below which was taken in 2015 so you can see how much the hall has decayed in the past  years.

The photos I have taken are in no particular order and I have tried to give a brief description for each. I also didn’t take pictures in every room as they were very dark and the flash on my camera isn’t enough to fill such large spaces.

The photoshoot was amazing, and the makeup artists and photographers were great and I will post pictures up in the future.

Images of inside Woolton Hall, Sept 2020

YouTube Video from 2015

A and E for me. Yep, Stupid me

On 29th August I came home and within 10 minutes I’d be doubled up on the floor, Yep, A and E for me. Let me tell you what happened and you can either laugh or cry.

I’ve been out and about on Friday and Saturday as it should have been Manchester pride this weekend. As it was canceled I have been out and about trying to celebrate things as best I can but had to call home to pick up things and change clothes.

On getting home, I put the kettle on and then go running upstairs in 4 inch high heels, I’m 6’4 in them and I twatted my head on the stairs ceiling return. Nothing major in that as I’ve done it before and it hurts like hell, but Saturday was different as I had my sunglasses on top of my head. Things went blank for a few seconds before i pick myself up off the floor and then feel the warm trickle of blood as it ran down my forehead.

Straight in the bathroom, damp towel on my head. Still a bit dizzy. I take the towel off my head and can quite clearly see blood quozing out of my head. So back on with the towel.

Bit of pressure and more water and within about 30 minutes I’ve managed to slow the bleeding but its still bleeding. I can clearly see about a 1 and a half-inch gash in my head and I know from experience its gonna need medical treatment. Off to A and E for me.

Long story short, because of COVID A&E is now a pretty slick operation and I’m in, seen, sorted, and out the door in just 45 minutes.

The wound did require attention and because they try not to stitch your head anymore I am now rocking a blob of surgical superglue in my head on top of a lump.

Lesson learned. Plans are afoot to lower the stairs or raise the ceiling of the stairs.

One just doesn’t take her heels off to run upstairs darlings 😀

Mums ill!

Yesterday’s phone call from mum was a heart wrenched and has killed me a little inside!

This year hasn’t been kind to my family withy father’s death and struggling to get over this with lockdown because of coronavirus. It’s meant we haven’t been able to be together as much and we:be both struggled to get over dad’s death. Not that you ever get over the death of a loved one!

But yesterday my mum has found out she needs another major operation as she has complications because of cancer.

I received a phone call from mum where she was crying her eyes out, understandably because of the news.

I’d already had a few glasses of wine because I’d had a very stressful week with work, so I couldnt go see her. Plus her town is under lockdown again so I’d also be breaking the law. Visiting from outside the area is “not allowed”.

An hour later we end the call and I’m left feeling like shit because I can’t go and comfort mum!

So, today I went to see her as her mental health is so important.

I know I should be supportive but at the moment she is very negative about everything and it’s been a major effort to be there.

It must be serious as the surgeons have told her she needs this operation in the next few weeks.

I am honestly exhausted after the visit and for the first time in many months I’ve found myself comfort eating this evening!

I know mum is unwell because she has lost over a stone in weight but more concerned about her mental health.  I know she has been ill and shit this year has got to her but she is so negative at present and although she has her sister nearby, she is just as negative!

Nothing I say can appease her at present!

I need a drink and also need to get my thoughts out of my head.

I so wanted to go out tonight and get utterly wasted!

I’ll phone her tommorow but for tonight i need vent and forget about it all.

Tommorow is another day!

Sunday morning, off to church

A little poem about church.

Wakey wakey,
It’s Sunday morn,
Church bells ring,
Service a calling.

Rushing now,
I’m gonna late,
Bells still ring,
Passing the gates.

Enter church,
Dothing my hat,
Sit thee down,
A happy lass.

Sermon starting,
Priest speaks aloud,
Words of God,
Congregation listen, nod.

Singing aloud,
Godly, pleasant songs,
All standing up,
Everyone sings along.

Hymm’s end,
Sit thee down,
Vicor addresses flock,
God’s greatest hits.

Biblical stories,
Matthew, Luke, John,
Tales of history,
Possible fictional tales.

Today’s special,
A metaphorical tale,
Jonah the man,
Inside a whale.

Jonah disobedient,
Eaten by a whale,
Lived for 3 days
Alive to tell the tale.

Sermon aclosing,
Collection plate passed,
Fumble in pockets,
A pennance passed.

Church bells,
Ring once more,
Over the town,
Peel out loud.

Vicor stands,
Outside the door,
Thanking his flock,
Wage-slaves once more.

Dont care what you think about me

I don’t care what you think about me.
Or your perception, of what you think I might be.
I don’t care if you think that I’m weird.
I don’t care if you think I am strange.
Because what you don’t see, is the mental anguish and pain.

All the bitterness of whats inside, thats made me cry.
Internal conflict for most of my life, despite being married and loving a wife.
I’m looking in the mirror and now what I see, is a much better version of me.
If you don’t agree with who I am or what I do, your welcome to unfriend me, that’s up to you.
I won’t be offended or hurt you see, because, at the end of each day, I’m happy with me!

My friends they see me for what I am, be that as a woman and not a man.
I’ve changed a lot, for all that’s clear to see.
I’m happy now, I really am me!
Looking in you’ll only see, the smallest part, of who I used to be.
That person’s not gone, it’s still there, but happier inside.

One day, sat myself down and cried and cried.
All those times that I had lied, a little bit more inside me died.
Lied not to others, but to myself, lied about who I am, my real self.
Like an broken toy, left on the shelf.
Felt like my life wasn’t right then thought only of myself.

First time in my life, thought of who I should be.
Can’t lie to myself anymore, honesty the best policy.
So many times in my life, put others first.
But alas, no more, not for anyone else.
So, what if I’ve changed how I look and how I feel.

It’s my life and things just got real.
You don’t know how I’ve suffered so.
Or the conflict inside, fought with myself and metaphorically died.
Alone every step, couldnt explain my thoughts.
Those I tried, pushed me away, their standard retort, “Hey, are you gay?”

What I’m doing now, I do it for me.
Please understand, and be happy inside.
Those feelings no more, no longer can I hide.
When most people in life don’t know who they are.
Here I am, big and proud. Internal pain no more.

Take me as I am, I’ve changed for the better!
Please don’t treat me differently, my life is so much better.
And to my friends, your support has been invaliable.
I love you so much, your help, your love and the rent of your ears.
Next round is on me, I owe you some beers.

I don’t care what you think about me.
Or your perception, of what you think I might be.
I don’t care if you think that I’m weird.
I don’t care if you think I am strange.
But understand I am who you see and for the first time in my life i’m truly happy.

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